Is this writer's block?

I'm not sure if I believe in writer's block or not. I have had times of feeling uninspired and times where I'm just being down right lazy but I never excused it as writer's block. Now I'm not so sure.

Lately writing hasn't just been hard for me, it's been unpleasant. When I sit down to write usually it's like letting a race horse free. Like all the times I'm not writing, I'm holding back the prancing thoroughbred in my mind. Then, I sit down at my laptop or with my notebook and lean forward letting the horse go. Suddenly I'm not collected anymore, I'm racing, unable to keep up with my thoughts, my words spill out on the page, galloping out of control. But not lately. Lately it's like there is an old draft horse in my mind that would rather be left out in pasture than plod about meaninglessly in the riding ring.

Even now I find myself stopping to stare out the window, pet my cat and pick my fingernails. Anything that keeps me from putting words to paper. I don't know why I can't break this block. I've done all the usual things: gone for walks, taken a good book to the beach, went horse-back riding, sat in my favourite coffee shop to people watch and flip through my old material but still when it comes to write I just don't want to.

And then comes the doubt. "You can't be a writer," the little voice says. "This will all be for nothing." "You'll never be published." With the absence of the muse comes the presence of insecurity. It would be easy enough to say I just write for me because it's fun and enjoyable but the truth will always be: I want to be an author. I want to make a career of this and be published in book stores so I can go and pick up a physical copy of my book and not just flip through the pages that thus far only exist in the digital. I want to go on book tours and tell aspiring writers that the road is rough but with enough time, energy and gumption everyone can achieve their dreams. I suppose I most want to be published because I want to have validation that dreams come true.

But before all that I must write.

Because as Lawrence Block said in 1981, "One thing that helps is to give myself permission to write badly. I tell myself that I'm going to do my five or 10 pages no matter what, and that I can always tear them up the following morning if I want. I'll have lost nothing--writing and tearing up pages would leave me no further behind than if I took the day off."